I've always wondered what it would feel like when writing while drunk, but sober enough to not feel numb. Like somehow these words could crawl out of my mouth and stamp themselves in ink and form this. I first wrote this all on paper. And by this I mean what you see on your computer monitor and phone screens. Some people appreciate the little things in life. They matter to many people. To me. Like how I'd want you to hold me and never let me go. How could I EVER tale this for granted? How could I ever ask for more from you. I miss the corky smiles. I miss the JayBear jokes. I miss arguing over who loves who more. I miss those time just like how I miss you. Things were so simple when we were together and when you were here. Things were so simple when you were here in my arms. I saw the beauty in things. In me. In you. Everyday. And there wasn't a day where I wouldn't remind you multiple times a day on how beautiful you are and how much you meant to me. I wish for the day that I feel whole and complete again. Lately, I've been reckless. Doing shit just because. Drinking to fill in what's missing. Meeting new random people to replace the empty lonely feeling and not to be alone. But it ALL comes back to you. Why aren't you here? With me? Right now? It pains me to look at our pictures cause I'm never this broken when you aren't here to pick up the pieces. Was it something I said? Or did? Or didn't say? Or didn't do? Was my constant use of the word "fuck" enough to drive you away? Enough to call it quits? Enough to leave me at my lowest point? That was never the plan. We were supposed to run away from the world together. We were supposed to always be there for each other....but it seems that everytime I need you, you ditch me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry these words aren't flowing as smoothly as I want them to. Or as quickly as you'd expect. But I'm nervous and I feel as if nothing I've ever done was good enough for you. Is that why you left? Because if the shoe was on the other foot and I had to deal with me, I'd leave too. Sometimes, I don't blame you; there are days I wondered why you ever stayed in the first place. But there is this thing called love. And there is no doubt EVER that I didn't love you. I need you here. I need you to put this jig saw puzzle back together. To help me right this wrong. To make this better for the both of us. For me. It can be done with a simple "I love you". I'd settle for your soft, loving touch. And a kiss. And a promise to never let go. You always promised if I'd ever fall, that you'd be there to catch me. I've been free falling without a parachute for some time now and I haven't had any assurances. So, I'll be patiently waiting for you. To come back to me. Like you always promised. Until then, I'll be walking the streets we once owned at 3 am.
Please say ok..
5:20 a.m. - 2009-09-16
Recent entries:
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