There's a fault that I have to admit to and that's the belief that I'll have time. Time to do things later on. Time to hang with friends. Time to catch up with family. Time to have time. Time.
I took a deep, intense honesty session in the mirror to bring up old and current disappointments and hurts and let downs and ill feeling that I've been putting off because I believed that I didn't have 'time' to address them all. I wondered why I kept to myself mostly. I wondered why I've kept around friends that are like a cancer to me. I wondered why my relationships with people are strained and broken at times. I wondered why it seems like the last couple years of my life have been a complete blur and it feels like I haven't really connected with people.
I have been a wreckless machine, staying busy fulfilling whatever purpose I set out for. I had been programed to bounce shit off me and just keep rolling and ignore feelings and situations that might get me in too deep. That if you stripped me bare of my "Jay Taylor" moniker, lacrosse playing and coaching, party lifestyle and comedy guarded emotional wall....you'd get this. You'd get this raw emotion that I'm in now and you'd see that even I am human. I feel. I want. I need.
I've been so busy because I've felt like I wasn't getting what I needed from the people that I trusted the most, including Vanessa. And with every let down, I would just withdraw more of myself from them, protecting the little feelings I had and questioning whether or not I can trust them or not. I've gotten used to loving at a distance that I forgot what it actually felt to not have my wall up. Its a scary though at times wondering just how and what that would look like. My trust has limits and boundaries.
It's hard getting back the things you've lost when you had everything you'd ever want to start with.
2:27 a.m. - 2012-02-11
Recent entries:
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