I received a missed call from Vanessa the other day. Its been bothering me since. I feel like I should call her back, if not only just to see what she wanted. Of all things, I owe her that solid. But I know how we are. How I was and how I am now. And at this very moment with me still figuring out my own emotional limits, the last thing I need is to have a four hour conversation arguing at first, smoothing it out by catching up, flirting and then inevitably getting back together.
Somehow, that is always the sequence. And in the past, I loved that rebound. That hunt. That classic "lets see how long I can go with talking to her and then call and reel her back in to me" cat and mouse game. And I became very good at it until the game played me. I became another piece of the puzzle, another rook on the chess board.
Anyhow, if you have been reading my diaries, you know how far the rabbit hole goes. And if you know how far it goes, you'd figure out that I won't call. When we last spoke, I said nothing and left. Stopped texting. Stopped calling. Stopped emailing. Stopped accepting her calls. Thought it would be easier for me to take the cheap way out, the wrong way. I was a different person then with different issues in different situations. Ive grown in myself a lot and can admit that it was fucked up. Although, i wouldnt be calling for forgiveness and to hook back up like i always used to do, calling after five months JUST to see what she wanted would be a huge dick move.
I do however wish that she finds success in all her future endeavors.
8:54 a.m. - 2012-05-03
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