I'm up at three something I'm the morning, smoking a cigarette I bumbed off someone and listening to coldplay. I abused my medication earlier when I took three percs at once while drinking three glasses of rum and coke. Many may say that I have a problem, but I don't. I shouldn't be on Intervention. I'm not suicidal. I'm not crazy nor am I looking for a new high. I'm here....where ever here is.
I shouldn't be typing this while I'm like this. You'd think i would've learned my lesson already, but clearly I haven't. I'm more raw this way. I'm more relaxed. Im more....me. and judging the fact that I haven't posted a meaningful entry in weeks, I'm letting go.
Earlier, I needed to cry. Nothing was wrong. I wasn't going through anything bad or received bad news, just needed to have a good, meaningful cry. I youtubed a smallville clip where Lana left Clark and sent him a video message. She was crying, barely getting through the video and left out his life for good. For some reason, that scene always makes me cry like a complete baby. I felt good afterwards, felt refreshed.
I felt bad after last nights conversation with Vanessa. I guess at that moment, she didn't have anything to say and I wasn't going to twist her arm. So I stopped trying after a while. I called again tonight, hoping to rebound, but she was sleeping. I knew she was supposed to be busy, but I just needed to hear her voice. But she was sleeping.....kinda weird, since she was "supposed" to be at her belated birthday party and according to the info, it should've still been going on, but whatever. The more I ask myself questions, the more negative thoughts creep into my mind. And we all now at this point in our relationship, I dont need that.
So here I am. Here. Venting. When I should be crawling back into Vanessa's arms. Feeling her lips against mine. Hearing her voice whisper words ever so gently into my ear. Feeling her fingertips travel up and down my spinal cord. Gasping for air when she kisses the nape of my neck. And god knows, I'd like that.
...but for now, I'm here. Dreaming about her.
I just hope one day, relatively soon, she understands that I need her more than she knows.
3:53 a.m. - 2010-12-19
Recent entries:
- - 2019-04-28
- - 2019-04-28
- - 2019-02-22
Smile - 2018-03-20
Not all heroes wear capes - 2018-02-25
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